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Hoarding Dreams

Rachel Saylor

I am a hoarder of dreams. Skepticism drives my hoarding, and vulnerability is avoided, especially with those whom I do not know well. Writing about writing (my dream), however, for anyone to see, is breaking that wall down and let me tell you, it is liberating.

There are a few reasons why I don't normally enjoy sharing my hopes and dreams. One is that I am sensitive to the way people may respond to something I hold dear. If their response is, "Well, you realize many other people have that same desire and don't make it that big," or  "You know, you're not the strongest writer,"  then I take it personally and shut down. So yes, this is a bit of a defense mechanism; but no, I don't think it's a bad idea to guard your dreams. My mom used to always tell me to guard my heart, and that is exactly what I will continue to do.

Secondly, there is something deep within me that tells me that if I say to someone, "I'm going to live in France one day," or "I'm going to complete college in three years instead of four," or "I'm going to run a half marathon," (all are phrases I did, in fact, say and achieve) that it is compulsory that I follow through with my word. I must make it happen. Realizing this is a touch silly, I also feel strongly about meaning what I say. I see someone's word as a promise. If there is one thing I really can't stand, it is someone who spouts off empty promises. This commitment to the spoken word is the reason I don't carelessly throw out goals that I have; otherwise, I would feel the pressure to complete them.

Surprising people gives me great pleasure, which is another reason that I do not talk about my future plans. When I do finally tell people about something I am doing just before they take place, they respond in shock. Eyebrows raise, and I hear, "I just wouldn't have expected that of you." Why don't they expect it? Simply because I don't showcase myself for others. I am not an open book, pun intended, but I like it that way. Since I am now writing openly, however, I am becoming a little less like that closed book, at least to those who venture to read this.

I admire those who can so easily allow themselves to become vulnerable with others and share their dreams openly, and I understand the strength and beauty in that ability, but I also understand that I don't tick that way and in order for me to be most successful, with the least amount of casualties, I need to keep on keepin’ on with guarding my heart. With that said, I also want to grow and learn from those who have such a natural ability to share. I want to have that gift to just be open and free to be myself around each person I encounter. This blog is the place I can begin to explore this idea of getting real, being me, and, hopefully, giving some insight or at least comfort to those who feel similarly.

My last word on this subject, which I am clearly conflicted about at this time of my life, is that there is a magical beauty in sharing these dreams with those I trust and love. Their encouragement pushes me and gives me the strength to believe in myself and make my dreams a reality. Please, share your own dreams with those you are closest and love dearly. It will propel you forward and give you confidence.